WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.750 --> 00:00:05.441 (firecracker pops) 2 00:00:05.441 --> 00:00:08.358 (pipe organ music) 3 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:31.730 The Bible contains a number of passages 4 00:00:31.730 --> 00:00:34.162 which reassure parents. 5 00:00:34.162 --> 00:00:37.803 Passages, such as the Fifth Commandment, 6 00:00:38.713 --> 00:00:42.324 which emphasize on the parts of children, 7 00:00:42.324 --> 00:00:45.963 obedience and honor, and respect. 8 00:00:47.556 --> 00:00:51.733 The Bible also has a way of getting under our skin. 9 00:00:53.280 --> 00:00:55.160 And so it is not surprising 10 00:00:56.047 --> 00:01:01.047 that we find a number of parentally disturbing passages. 11 00:01:03.940 --> 00:01:07.121 In "Matthew", for example, Jesus says, 12 00:01:07.121 --> 00:01:11.547 "I have not come to bring peace, but a sword." 13 00:01:12.710 --> 00:01:15.890 Or, "I have come to set a man against his father 14 00:01:16.810 --> 00:01:19.093 and a daughter against her mother, 15 00:01:20.010 --> 00:01:23.363 and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law, 16 00:01:24.270 --> 00:01:28.157 and a man's clothes will be those of his own household." 17 00:01:29.787 --> 00:01:32.530 I came across a cartoon recently 18 00:01:32.530 --> 00:01:36.823 of a young man introducing his fiance to his mother. 19 00:01:37.900 --> 00:01:41.077 And she greeted them at the door saying, 20 00:01:41.077 --> 00:01:42.303 "How do you do? 21 00:01:43.840 --> 00:01:47.409 My son has told me so much about you 22 00:01:47.409 --> 00:01:50.377 that I feel I dislike you already." 23 00:01:53.288 --> 00:01:56.770 However, we do not do justice 24 00:01:56.770 --> 00:01:59.520 to this quotation from "Matthew" 25 00:01:59.520 --> 00:02:01.623 if we take it out of context. 26 00:02:03.130 --> 00:02:04.270 In the quotation, 27 00:02:04.270 --> 00:02:07.852 Jesus emphasizes that blood relationships 28 00:02:07.852 --> 00:02:11.030 are of secondary importance 29 00:02:11.030 --> 00:02:13.673 to the relationship of discipleship. 30 00:02:15.110 --> 00:02:17.040 He asserts that commitment to him 31 00:02:17.040 --> 00:02:22.040 and his way of life is to be above every other tie, 32 00:02:23.040 --> 00:02:24.693 even that of family. 33 00:02:26.440 --> 00:02:29.570 So this passage, taken out of context, 34 00:02:29.570 --> 00:02:31.931 may remind us of, 35 00:02:31.931 --> 00:02:36.104 but cannot be taken to justify the antagonisms 36 00:02:36.104 --> 00:02:41.104 within contemporary family which set member against member. 37 00:02:43.460 --> 00:02:46.383 We do need to rediscover the family. 38 00:02:47.890 --> 00:02:50.690 There is an awareness that the emotional health 39 00:02:50.690 --> 00:02:52.501 of our nation depends upon 40 00:02:52.501 --> 00:02:56.661 the emotional health of its families, 41 00:02:56.661 --> 00:02:59.749 just as the personal maturity 42 00:02:59.749 --> 00:03:03.873 is dependent upon the quality of family life. 43 00:03:06.130 --> 00:03:07.590 The family is faced today 44 00:03:07.590 --> 00:03:11.123 with loss of its geographical roots. 45 00:03:12.082 --> 00:03:16.713 The average American family moves once every five years. 46 00:03:18.230 --> 00:03:20.023 The hometown is no longer 47 00:03:20.023 --> 00:03:23.240 the psychological anchor point 48 00:03:23.240 --> 00:03:25.063 that it once was. 49 00:03:26.840 --> 00:03:28.960 Many families consequently live 50 00:03:28.960 --> 00:03:31.554 as if we're in a foreign land, 51 00:03:31.554 --> 00:03:34.670 nostalgic for the mountains, 52 00:03:34.670 --> 00:03:38.573 or the planes, or the shores of its home. 53 00:03:41.170 --> 00:03:42.710 The family is faced today 54 00:03:42.710 --> 00:03:45.483 with the loss of its interpersonal roots. 55 00:03:46.620 --> 00:03:50.050 Frequent moves mean that people must repeatedly 56 00:03:50.050 --> 00:03:52.195 give up friendships, 57 00:03:52.195 --> 00:03:54.525 and are therefore reluctant 58 00:03:54.525 --> 00:03:56.923 to establish strong ties. 59 00:03:58.700 --> 00:04:01.850 Moves away from parents and grandparents 60 00:04:01.850 --> 00:04:05.430 cut children off from family tradition 61 00:04:05.430 --> 00:04:07.573 and family continuity. 62 00:04:09.434 --> 00:04:11.490 The family is also faced today 63 00:04:11.490 --> 00:04:13.350 with being cut off from its moral 64 00:04:13.350 --> 00:04:15.508 and spiritual roots, 65 00:04:15.508 --> 00:04:18.483 with transient church membership, 66 00:04:20.590 --> 00:04:22.275 with an ever-widening gap between 67 00:04:22.275 --> 00:04:26.503 the values of one generation and those of the next. 68 00:04:27.570 --> 00:04:29.930 And with conflicting value systems 69 00:04:29.930 --> 00:04:31.843 within any one generation. 70 00:04:33.610 --> 00:04:36.220 This concern for the significance 71 00:04:36.220 --> 00:04:39.449 of family relationships is shared 72 00:04:39.449 --> 00:04:42.263 by our colleges and universities. 73 00:04:43.997 --> 00:04:47.972 Charles Frankel in a publication entitled 74 00:04:47.972 --> 00:04:50.120 "The College and the Student" 75 00:04:50.120 --> 00:04:52.650 points out that the family 76 00:04:52.650 --> 00:04:56.090 of a student normally regarded a college 77 00:04:56.090 --> 00:04:58.060 as its surrogate. 78 00:04:58.060 --> 00:05:02.323 Responsible, not only for the student's education, 79 00:05:03.210 --> 00:05:08.210 but for his or her physical and moral security. 80 00:05:09.520 --> 00:05:12.580 A large part of what the American college 81 00:05:12.580 --> 00:05:14.880 has done is unintelligible 82 00:05:15.850 --> 00:05:20.357 unless we recognize that it has served 83 00:05:20.357 --> 00:05:25.357 and has been asked to serve as stand-in parents. 84 00:05:27.390 --> 00:05:30.630 We need help to rediscover the family, 85 00:05:30.630 --> 00:05:33.426 but before we can be helped, 86 00:05:33.426 --> 00:05:36.913 we need to admit that something is wrong, 87 00:05:38.130 --> 00:05:39.130 and it is not easy 88 00:05:39.130 --> 00:05:42.663 to admit that all is not well in our families. 89 00:05:43.721 --> 00:05:46.887 Harry Sullivan, an outstanding psychiatrist, 90 00:05:46.887 --> 00:05:51.887 has written, "If a person tells me his home life is perfect, 91 00:05:52.950 --> 00:05:55.750 I take off my glasses, 92 00:05:55.750 --> 00:05:57.833 which means that I cannot see him, 93 00:05:58.980 --> 00:06:02.863 and I gaze at him and say, extraordinary. 94 00:06:04.570 --> 00:06:07.443 I then pass on to some other topic, 95 00:06:07.443 --> 00:06:10.627 but I return to this later." 96 00:06:11.812 --> 00:06:15.883 Now not every family has a skeleton in its closet. 97 00:06:16.906 --> 00:06:19.310 Rather, it may be the routine 98 00:06:19.310 --> 00:06:22.490 of the kitchen or the dinner table or the family room, 99 00:06:22.490 --> 00:06:24.373 which shames us. 100 00:06:25.430 --> 00:06:28.511 Small facets of our family life 101 00:06:28.511 --> 00:06:32.513 which do not fit in with a picture that we want to give. 102 00:06:33.970 --> 00:06:35.210 But in little ways, 103 00:06:35.210 --> 00:06:39.923 our secrets get out, through the kindergarten child 104 00:06:39.923 --> 00:06:44.233 who says that daddy makes mommy cry, 105 00:06:45.201 --> 00:06:47.330 or through the children's friends 106 00:06:47.330 --> 00:06:50.403 who stay overnight and hear our angry words. 107 00:06:51.709 --> 00:06:56.084 Those with the highest ideals and the best education 108 00:06:56.084 --> 00:07:00.706 are usually the ones most ashamed of their secret behavior, 109 00:07:00.706 --> 00:07:04.432 because they are the ones who most expect 110 00:07:04.432 --> 00:07:07.193 that they should be able to do better. 111 00:07:08.646 --> 00:07:11.100 Sometimes it can be a lifting 112 00:07:11.100 --> 00:07:13.144 of a considerable burden 113 00:07:13.144 --> 00:07:16.393 to know that no family is faultless. 114 00:07:17.760 --> 00:07:19.383 We all have our faults. 115 00:07:20.685 --> 00:07:23.300 My colleague and I understood this 116 00:07:23.300 --> 00:07:27.260 when he came by my office early on a Saturday morning 117 00:07:27.260 --> 00:07:29.903 and said to me with tongue-in-cheek, 118 00:07:31.454 --> 00:07:36.337 "Isn't it nice to be able to escape domestic tranquility?" 119 00:07:39.550 --> 00:07:40.870 We erect walls 120 00:07:40.870 --> 00:07:43.360 not only to keep outsiders from looking 121 00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:45.691 in on our family life, 122 00:07:45.691 --> 00:07:49.283 we erect walls among members of the family. 123 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:53.380 No man is a hero to his valet, 124 00:07:53.380 --> 00:07:56.823 and few are heroes to others within the family. 125 00:07:57.950 --> 00:07:59.423 They know us too well. 126 00:08:00.860 --> 00:08:04.903 We grow afraid of those with whom we live most closely, 127 00:08:05.770 --> 00:08:08.603 and upon whom we depend most deeply. 128 00:08:10.740 --> 00:08:13.358 We do not often realize how afraid we are 129 00:08:13.358 --> 00:08:18.358 of one another, parents afraid of their children, 130 00:08:19.055 --> 00:08:21.693 children afraid of their parents, 131 00:08:23.150 --> 00:08:26.061 husbands and wives afraid of each other, 132 00:08:26.061 --> 00:08:28.510 children tyrannized their parents 133 00:08:28.510 --> 00:08:31.217 with their punishing words, "I don't love you," 134 00:08:32.140 --> 00:08:35.657 or the equally devastating indictment, "You don't love me." 135 00:08:36.930 --> 00:08:39.373 Children are also afraid of their parents, 136 00:08:40.330 --> 00:08:41.823 afraid they won't care, 137 00:08:43.060 --> 00:08:44.510 afraid they won't support them, 138 00:08:44.510 --> 00:08:46.623 afraid they won't keep their promises. 139 00:08:48.160 --> 00:08:51.070 Husbands and wives are afraid of each other. 140 00:08:51.070 --> 00:08:54.840 And each tries to hide the fear behind irritation 141 00:08:55.780 --> 00:08:57.770 or cover up irritation 142 00:08:57.770 --> 00:09:01.143 with exaggerated expressions of affection. 143 00:09:03.045 --> 00:09:08.045 Sometimes we know that our anger hides fear, 144 00:09:09.880 --> 00:09:12.293 and that fear points to hurt. 145 00:09:13.304 --> 00:09:17.358 And the bitterest anger may hide the deepest hurt. 146 00:09:17.358 --> 00:09:19.900 It indicates that we've been most hurt 147 00:09:19.900 --> 00:09:21.833 by those we most need. 148 00:09:23.237 --> 00:09:27.300 Now, every one of us has difficulty expressing his feelings, 149 00:09:27.300 --> 00:09:30.095 and this difficulty robs the family 150 00:09:30.095 --> 00:09:33.980 of some of life's most satisfying experiences. 151 00:09:33.980 --> 00:09:35.280 We're particularly awkward 152 00:09:35.280 --> 00:09:38.973 with our intimate feelings of tenderness and love. 153 00:09:40.798 --> 00:09:45.303 To be an adult to a last means to be unemotional, 154 00:09:47.532 --> 00:09:51.530 display of affection is all right for young lovers 155 00:09:51.530 --> 00:09:53.813 who are not expected to know any better, 156 00:09:54.721 --> 00:09:58.173 or made nance for whom everyone feels sorry. 157 00:09:59.770 --> 00:10:02.943 And grandmothers who are usually harmless. 158 00:10:05.240 --> 00:10:06.867 Paul Tournier in his book, 159 00:10:06.867 --> 00:10:08.220 "The Meaning of Persons", 160 00:10:08.220 --> 00:10:13.080 says how many married couples no longer know how 161 00:10:13.080 --> 00:10:16.223 to tell each other quite simply that they love each other? 162 00:10:17.310 --> 00:10:19.847 Even joy is smothered. 163 00:10:19.847 --> 00:10:21.497 "Yesterday evening," he writes, 164 00:10:21.497 --> 00:10:23.442 "A mother announced to me the engagement 165 00:10:23.442 --> 00:10:24.573 of her daughter. 166 00:10:26.240 --> 00:10:28.760 You approve of the young man, I ask. 167 00:10:28.760 --> 00:10:30.173 Oh, absolutely. 168 00:10:31.196 --> 00:10:34.100 Then I hope you flung your arms around her neck 169 00:10:34.100 --> 00:10:35.373 and told her so. 170 00:10:36.947 --> 00:10:39.103 No, I didn't dare to. 171 00:10:40.190 --> 00:10:41.820 I told her it was getting late 172 00:10:41.820 --> 00:10:43.030 and she had better go to bed 173 00:10:43.030 --> 00:10:45.430 and that we would talk about it some other time. 174 00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:49.430 We seemed so afraid 175 00:10:50.830 --> 00:10:54.682 of what is most real and deepest within us, 176 00:10:54.682 --> 00:10:58.643 yet as more than one psychotherapist has discovered, 177 00:10:59.730 --> 00:11:02.870 if one can understand what is most real 178 00:11:02.870 --> 00:11:07.630 within his own experience at the deepest personal level 179 00:11:07.630 --> 00:11:10.182 of feeling and understanding, 180 00:11:10.182 --> 00:11:13.830 it is likely that it is the very element which would, 181 00:11:13.830 --> 00:11:18.830 if it were shared or expressed, speak most deeply to others. 182 00:11:21.260 --> 00:11:23.070 But we leave unexpressed 183 00:11:23.070 --> 00:11:26.193 and unshared our deepest feelings. 184 00:11:27.080 --> 00:11:30.911 And the feelings we most regret leaving unexpressed 185 00:11:30.911 --> 00:11:33.953 and unshared are those of love. 186 00:11:36.410 --> 00:11:38.840 Grief seems most agonizing 187 00:11:38.840 --> 00:11:41.760 for those who have lost someone 188 00:11:41.760 --> 00:11:46.760 at a time when the last word spoken were those of anger. 189 00:11:48.430 --> 00:11:50.760 We cling to so many relationships 190 00:11:50.760 --> 00:11:53.564 in the past because some of our deepest feelings 191 00:11:53.564 --> 00:11:57.493 were left unexpressed, unshared. 192 00:11:58.760 --> 00:12:01.190 Bound as it were to past relationships, 193 00:12:01.190 --> 00:12:04.323 we are unable to live freely in the present. 194 00:12:05.922 --> 00:12:08.128 Jesus knew how difficult 195 00:12:08.128 --> 00:12:13.128 yet how necessary it is to transfer loyalties, 196 00:12:14.450 --> 00:12:18.972 to set aside past relationships of child and parent 197 00:12:18.972 --> 00:12:22.443 if one is to be free to live as an adult. 198 00:12:24.470 --> 00:12:27.150 To rediscover our own families, 199 00:12:27.150 --> 00:12:29.057 we must, in the words of Saint Paul, 200 00:12:29.057 --> 00:12:32.157 "Put away childish things." 201 00:12:33.330 --> 00:12:36.170 Husbands and wives discover that they do not want 202 00:12:36.170 --> 00:12:38.520 to give up the protection 203 00:12:38.520 --> 00:12:41.013 which a mother or a father affords. 204 00:12:42.170 --> 00:12:44.180 Adults discover that they do not want 205 00:12:44.180 --> 00:12:46.919 to put away childish images, 206 00:12:46.919 --> 00:12:48.880 but that they want to retain 207 00:12:48.880 --> 00:12:53.880 the image of a dominating parent or an indulging parent, 208 00:12:54.160 --> 00:12:57.233 or I protecting parent, or a tyrannical parent. 209 00:12:58.418 --> 00:13:01.400 And parents discover that even if they put away 210 00:13:01.400 --> 00:13:05.004 the childish relationships of earlier years, 211 00:13:05.004 --> 00:13:09.450 yet they cling nevertheless to certain myths, 212 00:13:09.450 --> 00:13:11.420 which prevent their children 213 00:13:11.420 --> 00:13:14.143 from becoming parents to themselves. 214 00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:17.490 There are three such myths, 215 00:13:17.490 --> 00:13:19.436 which are particularly binding, 216 00:13:19.436 --> 00:13:22.605 the myth of innocence forever, 217 00:13:22.605 --> 00:13:25.323 the myth of obedience forever, 218 00:13:26.203 --> 00:13:29.913 and the myth of intimacy forever. 219 00:13:30.950 --> 00:13:33.550 The myth of innocence forever says 220 00:13:33.550 --> 00:13:36.998 that children can be protected forever. 221 00:13:36.998 --> 00:13:39.684 The same is to be a favorite myth 222 00:13:39.684 --> 00:13:44.684 of parents who have found life difficult, even cruel, 223 00:13:44.790 --> 00:13:48.954 so they want to raise hot house children, 224 00:13:48.954 --> 00:13:52.735 but hot house children like hot house plants 225 00:13:52.735 --> 00:13:54.983 must be sheltered forever. 226 00:13:56.450 --> 00:13:58.540 The myth of innocence forever 227 00:13:58.540 --> 00:14:01.431 is the myth of the Garden of Eden, 228 00:14:01.431 --> 00:14:04.110 with Adam and Eve living within the bosom 229 00:14:04.110 --> 00:14:06.195 of God with no cares, 230 00:14:06.195 --> 00:14:09.593 but with no freedom and responsibility. 231 00:14:11.049 --> 00:14:14.483 Thank heaven for the fall. 232 00:14:15.510 --> 00:14:18.330 My fall was upward, not downward, 233 00:14:18.330 --> 00:14:20.420 for it marked the movement towards freedom 234 00:14:20.420 --> 00:14:24.677 and what is freedom except the capacity for choice? 235 00:14:24.677 --> 00:14:27.560 And the movement toward responsibility, 236 00:14:27.560 --> 00:14:29.531 for what is responsibility 237 00:14:29.531 --> 00:14:32.430 except the ability to anticipate 238 00:14:32.430 --> 00:14:36.493 and live with the consequences of one's choices? 239 00:14:38.130 --> 00:14:40.020 The myth of obedience forever says 240 00:14:40.020 --> 00:14:42.323 that children can be guided forever, 241 00:14:43.242 --> 00:14:46.790 but only parents who expect to live forever 242 00:14:46.790 --> 00:14:49.513 should have perfectly obedient children. 243 00:14:50.890 --> 00:14:54.373 Disobedience is a normal part of childhood. 244 00:14:54.373 --> 00:14:58.540 I do not mean disobedience as a persistent, angry, 245 00:14:58.540 --> 00:15:02.693 destructive disregard for rules and regulations. 246 00:15:03.620 --> 00:15:04.525 I mean disobedience 247 00:15:04.525 --> 00:15:07.580 which represents the child's assertion 248 00:15:07.580 --> 00:15:10.293 of his strength and individuality. 249 00:15:11.490 --> 00:15:13.590 Grab an infant by the arm and hold him 250 00:15:13.590 --> 00:15:16.000 so he cannot move and you will feel him struggle, 251 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:20.220 and rightfully so, against restraint. 252 00:15:20.220 --> 00:15:23.003 And you will hear his cries of rage. 253 00:15:24.180 --> 00:15:26.337 Hold on to him and keep him from going 254 00:15:26.337 --> 00:15:28.313 where he is able to go, 255 00:15:29.390 --> 00:15:32.843 and you will arouse his resentment and not his obedience. 256 00:15:34.516 --> 00:15:37.436 Likewise, demands for obedience may overshadow 257 00:15:37.436 --> 00:15:41.943 the more important lessons in personal responsibility. 258 00:15:43.339 --> 00:15:45.690 Only the person who is free 259 00:15:45.690 --> 00:15:50.553 to disobey his parents can become his own parent. 260 00:15:52.100 --> 00:15:54.180 Psychologically, the passage referred 261 00:15:54.180 --> 00:15:57.307 to earlier is sound, to become a parent 262 00:15:57.307 --> 00:16:00.290 to yourself may mean you must be at odds 263 00:16:00.290 --> 00:16:02.863 if you're a mother and father. 264 00:16:04.470 --> 00:16:06.450 The myth of intimacy forever says 265 00:16:06.450 --> 00:16:09.133 that we will never be separated from others. 266 00:16:10.885 --> 00:16:13.969 The family is the place for the first experience 267 00:16:13.969 --> 00:16:15.460 of intimacy. 268 00:16:15.460 --> 00:16:19.709 Intimacy is the deepest human need, 269 00:16:19.709 --> 00:16:23.100 the need to have a genuine, warm, 270 00:16:23.100 --> 00:16:24.793 responsive relationship. 271 00:16:25.810 --> 00:16:28.127 And what a thrill it is 272 00:16:28.127 --> 00:16:30.618 to see the infant's first response 273 00:16:30.618 --> 00:16:33.763 in affection to affection. 274 00:16:35.330 --> 00:16:39.310 But parents cannot hold on to their children forever. 275 00:16:39.310 --> 00:16:41.180 The child must widen his range 276 00:16:41.180 --> 00:16:44.283 of intimacy to include other children and other adults. 277 00:16:45.130 --> 00:16:48.290 And the intimacy gained in infancy 278 00:16:48.290 --> 00:16:50.790 and childhood seems to be lost 279 00:16:50.790 --> 00:16:55.790 for a time between parents and child in early adolescence. 280 00:16:57.284 --> 00:17:00.950 Perhaps it is because parents' efforts 281 00:17:00.950 --> 00:17:04.191 to discipline the adolescent for adulthood, 282 00:17:04.191 --> 00:17:07.217 which is approaching rapidly, 283 00:17:07.217 --> 00:17:10.430 leaves little room for intimacy. 284 00:17:10.430 --> 00:17:11.460 Clean up your room, 285 00:17:11.460 --> 00:17:13.311 do your homework. 286 00:17:13.311 --> 00:17:16.780 Perhaps it is because adolescence is a time of rebellion 287 00:17:16.780 --> 00:17:20.163 if individuality and uniqueness is to be protected. 288 00:17:21.220 --> 00:17:23.680 Perhaps it is because adolescence 289 00:17:23.680 --> 00:17:28.293 is a time for developing sexuality with its secrets. 290 00:17:29.600 --> 00:17:32.330 But then intimacy is regained in dating, 291 00:17:32.330 --> 00:17:33.947 and courtship and marriage, 292 00:17:33.947 --> 00:17:37.210 when suddenly walls of isolation are broken down 293 00:17:37.210 --> 00:17:41.610 and love is heightened by a new sense of shared experience. 294 00:17:42.884 --> 00:17:47.884 And the intimacy lost with one's parents 295 00:17:48.145 --> 00:17:52.987 may be regained through one's children 296 00:17:52.987 --> 00:17:54.683 and their grandchildren. 297 00:17:56.945 --> 00:18:00.725 How parents and husbands and wives 298 00:18:00.725 --> 00:18:04.255 might envy the young adults' ability 299 00:18:04.255 --> 00:18:06.963 and opportunity to fall in love. 300 00:18:09.090 --> 00:18:11.640 Unfortunately, parents and husbands 301 00:18:11.640 --> 00:18:15.570 and wives have arrived at two fatal assumptions. 302 00:18:15.570 --> 00:18:17.590 One is that they know all there 303 00:18:17.590 --> 00:18:20.090 is to know about one another, 304 00:18:20.090 --> 00:18:21.893 there's nothing left to discover, 305 00:18:23.800 --> 00:18:25.730 and many a married person imagines 306 00:18:25.730 --> 00:18:28.230 that he knows all there is to know about his mate. 307 00:18:29.070 --> 00:18:31.088 He has lost the loving curiosity 308 00:18:31.088 --> 00:18:36.088 he had while he was still only engaged to be married. 309 00:18:36.940 --> 00:18:38.040 The other fatal assumption 310 00:18:38.040 --> 00:18:39.934 is that the decision to be married 311 00:18:39.934 --> 00:18:42.982 was made once and for all. 312 00:18:42.982 --> 00:18:45.883 So now married couples feel trapped. 313 00:18:47.040 --> 00:18:49.621 The truth of the matter is that probably nine out 314 00:18:49.621 --> 00:18:54.621 of 10 couples would make the same decision again, 315 00:18:55.730 --> 00:18:58.573 and should be making that decision every day. 316 00:18:59.620 --> 00:19:01.420 The decision to be married 317 00:19:01.420 --> 00:19:02.901 is a process, 318 00:19:02.901 --> 00:19:07.766 with repeated opportunities to propose and to accept. 319 00:19:07.766 --> 00:19:10.009 But we're more apt to be heard saying no 320 00:19:10.009 --> 00:19:12.913 in order to retaliate when we're hurt. 321 00:19:13.870 --> 00:19:16.773 What we really want to say is yes. 322 00:19:18.628 --> 00:19:22.890 Otis Maxfield, former pastor of First Community Church 323 00:19:22.890 --> 00:19:23.960 in Columbus, Ohio, 324 00:19:23.960 --> 00:19:27.060 and now director of the American Foundation 325 00:19:27.060 --> 00:19:29.076 of Religion and Psychiatry tells 326 00:19:29.076 --> 00:19:31.860 the case of a young married graduate student 327 00:19:31.860 --> 00:19:34.690 who became disenchanted with his wife 328 00:19:34.690 --> 00:19:36.440 and fell in love with another girl. 329 00:19:37.830 --> 00:19:40.250 But the love affair soon blew up, 330 00:19:40.250 --> 00:19:42.160 and the young man came to himself 331 00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:47.160 and realized that his marital problem had at its basis 332 00:19:48.358 --> 00:19:50.930 his conflicting needs for his wife 333 00:19:50.930 --> 00:19:53.753 to be both a wife and a mother to him. 334 00:19:54.734 --> 00:19:59.063 When he got in touch with his wife who had, in the meantime, 335 00:19:59.063 --> 00:20:01.790 gone home to her parents, 336 00:20:01.790 --> 00:20:04.670 she told him tearfully that she couldn't come back, 337 00:20:04.670 --> 00:20:06.879 that it was all over. 338 00:20:06.879 --> 00:20:08.580 And that furthermore, 339 00:20:08.580 --> 00:20:11.472 having been terribly hurt and feeling quite helpless 340 00:20:11.472 --> 00:20:13.460 and worthless, 341 00:20:13.460 --> 00:20:15.970 she had had a casual affair with an older man 342 00:20:15.970 --> 00:20:17.993 and was now four months pregnant. 343 00:20:19.239 --> 00:20:21.410 Determined to save his marriage, 344 00:20:21.410 --> 00:20:23.040 the young man took his wife with him 345 00:20:23.040 --> 00:20:25.259 to the church counseling center. 346 00:20:25.259 --> 00:20:27.685 And together they discovered that neither 347 00:20:27.685 --> 00:20:30.106 of them was blameless, 348 00:20:30.106 --> 00:20:33.790 that each had been disloyal to the other. 349 00:20:33.790 --> 00:20:38.613 And that the love once possible was possible again. 350 00:20:40.740 --> 00:20:42.939 When the baby was born, 351 00:20:42.939 --> 00:20:46.450 the couple brought him to First Community Church 352 00:20:46.450 --> 00:20:47.713 to be baptized. 353 00:20:48.776 --> 00:20:52.318 The young man asked to offer the prayer 354 00:20:52.318 --> 00:20:54.223 after the baptizing, 355 00:20:55.127 --> 00:20:59.433 and three of the sentences used in the prayer stand out. 356 00:21:02.081 --> 00:21:07.081 Dear Lord, we are so glad that in spite of our wickedness, 357 00:21:07.334 --> 00:21:10.503 all of us have a possibility for goodness. 358 00:21:12.930 --> 00:21:15.250 I'm so glad that parenthood 359 00:21:15.250 --> 00:21:17.753 is a set of relationships, 360 00:21:17.753 --> 00:21:21.463 more than the accident of flesh and blood. 361 00:21:23.252 --> 00:21:26.540 I am so glad that love reveals 362 00:21:27.590 --> 00:21:29.503 and does not conceal. 363 00:21:31.360 --> 00:21:34.380 Perhaps these sentences from the young man's prayer 364 00:21:34.380 --> 00:21:37.543 may help you rediscover your family. 365 00:21:39.260 --> 00:21:41.735 Innocence forever is a myth. 366 00:21:41.735 --> 00:21:43.825 Neither we nor others are perfect 367 00:21:43.825 --> 00:21:45.843 or without fault. 368 00:21:47.090 --> 00:21:49.380 Obedience forever is a myth. 369 00:21:49.380 --> 00:21:53.573 We do not always love, honor, and cherish. 370 00:21:54.461 --> 00:21:56.820 Intimacy, forever, is a myth. 371 00:21:56.820 --> 00:21:59.883 We know the isolation of fear and anger. 372 00:22:02.151 --> 00:22:07.151 But may those in our families hear us say quite simply, 373 00:22:08.490 --> 00:22:10.363 I know we have our faults. 374 00:22:11.260 --> 00:22:13.733 Forgive me as I forgive you. 375 00:22:15.008 --> 00:22:18.270 I know we have our moments of fear and anger, 376 00:22:18.270 --> 00:22:23.270 but let us know also our moments of love. 377 00:22:34.080 --> 00:22:38.960 Dear Lord, we are so glad that in spite of our wickedness, 378 00:22:38.960 --> 00:22:41.913 all of us have a possibility for goodness. 379 00:22:43.459 --> 00:22:45.590 I'm so glad that parenthood 380 00:22:45.590 --> 00:22:48.600 is a set of relationships more than the accident 381 00:22:48.600 --> 00:22:49.763 of flesh and blood. 382 00:22:51.670 --> 00:22:54.820 I am so glad that love reveals 383 00:22:54.820 --> 00:22:56.423 and does not conceal. 384 00:22:58.200 --> 00:22:59.680 And now may the trust, 385 00:22:59.680 --> 00:23:01.483 which is faith abide, 386 00:23:02.394 --> 00:23:05.773 may the anticipation which is hope abide. 387 00:23:06.840 --> 00:23:09.593 May the affection which is love abide. 388 00:23:10.770 --> 00:23:15.770 May these three abide in our families this day, and always. 389 00:23:24.229 --> 00:23:27.646 (inspiring Gospel music)