Larry: I was very happy with your reaction to my decision to stay down here. It really showed fine presence of mind and everything else, when I told you about my decision to stay down. You didn’t die or stick your head in the oven or anything. I think that’s really terrific. You know, most people—most people, generally—don’t explain themselves, don’t bother to explain themselves in the words that somebody else can understand. They just, speak from their gut. But I’ve always tried to go into great length and detail to explain to you everything that I’ve done, but I get annoyed, sometimes, when I have to explain it many times. You know, I always feel that I, that I’ve already said it—like I already said a lot of things that I said on the previous tape. And, you are going to have to try to trust me the first time, I think. I’m very sorry that you hadn’t got my letter, in which I explain my reasons for staying down before I called you from Antioch. A lot of the trouble in your own mind might have been eliminated if you had seen that letter first. Thank you very much for that hundred-dollar contribution to SNCC, and for all the food that you sent down. A lot of the, the people here, you know, had never seen a kosher salami [unsure: (0:01:37)] before, and enjoyed it very much, and the halavah was the same way. I asked one of the local people that work with us, a local negro kid to [unsure: (0:01:49)], and he said, hala-who? And, he didn’t like it too much. You know most people don’t like halavah when they try it first, but I love the stuff, and a few other people here from New York just eat it all up—just ate it all up, you know, I and them. It was really great. I, I, you know, really appreciated it. And speaking of halavah and kosher salami, you know something I’m looking forward to when I, when I get home is eating steak sandwiches. It’s a funny thing, that I think about it, is a good Philadelphia steak sandwiches. They have steak sandwiches down here but—they call it steak sandwiches, but actually it’s just very spicy hamburgers—things they have in the Midwest. Oh, and, you don’t have to worry as far as the hundred-dollar contribution. You don’t have to worry about your name appearing on any list, because nobody knows that you gave it. I, I cashed it myself—I went to the post office myself—and I brought a hundred dollars in cash back. And I just said it was from Antioch, so you don’t have to worry about that. I mentioned before that people are thinking that if, you know if you are interested in contributing things, that, possibly, they could send you a list of, of, of essentials that, you know, are needed.
You know little, little inexpensive things, and I’m sure that list will be forthcoming, so if you feel, if you feel like helping you, you could—you could do that, and they’re going to write this list up soon and send it on up. Speaking of contributions, I had a, a great time in Antioch. I, I—you know I, I went there not only to arrange this division switch, but also to, to raise money. In fact, my primary, my primary object there was to raise money. And, I just had a wild time. First of all, you know this is, this is the division that I started with. This is the group of people that I started school with my freshman year, so I saw people there that I hadn’t seen for three or four years. And I spoke before the NAACP and told them our activities, and they, the NAACP chapter at Antioch decided to contribute money—decided to send their due money to SNCC instead of the NAACP this year, so that nobody will get cards, but they will contribute to SNCC. And the assistant dean to students, Phil [unsure: (0:04:57)], set up meetings with me—set up meetings for me—with the Unitarian Church in town, in Yellow Springs, and with the Quaker meeting. So, I spoke at both of those, and—been raising quite a bit of money. Also, we had general fundraising drive throughout the campus, so all-in-all I brought back with me $224.75. Plus, the next day when I got down, we received your hundred dollars, and we received fifty dollars from one of the people that I had spoken to at Antioch. We still haven’t received the money from the NAACP, which will amount to about fifty dollars, but I’m sure they’ll send it. So, it was a very successful trip.
How did the movie I sent you turn out? Or, did it turn out? I think that’s one of the pictures I took outdoors, but I, I forget exactly what I had on it. When I get home, I guess I’ll see them. Oh, would you please tell both my grandmothers—Grandma Pauline and Grandma Rubin—that I thank them very much for their Christmas presents. I really appreciated it. I’m going to save both their money that they sent down and the money you sent down. Thank you very much for your Christmas present too. I’m going to save all that as part of my fare home, when I come home. I guess SNCC will give me the rest. And, also tell both grandmas that I will write them, and, I should have written them long before this, but please tell them that I love them very much, and send them my regards. Incidentally speaking of Christmas presents, you had written me what I wanted for Christmas, and, it’s a funny thing ‘cause what I was going to ask for was an alarm watch. I need one when I travel, when I don’t have my alarm clock. ‘Cause a lot of times, you know, I—if I want to wake up at a certain time, there’s just no way of waking me up. And now, now I can use this one that dad sent me. So, I thank you very much for that, and that’s just what I wanted for Christmas. You know it’s Monday now. It’s the day before Christmas, and, you know, I, I really can’t tell you how depressed I felt all day yesterday—all day Sunday, because I couldn’t come to the wedding. I just felt so bad about it. And, you know, I, I knew what was going on and I felt I should be home. I felt kind of an empty feeling in my stomach, and this was especially yesterday when I spent most of the day going to various churches, taking part in the Baptist Sunday services, you know, which is so foreign to me, and I, I tried to overcome this.
I, I tried to call several times and you weren’t home. I guess you were at the wedding. Anyway, I also feel very bad that I don’t have anything to give Bobby and his bride. I, I don’t have any present to give them. You know, I’m really in no position to buy anything, but I am going to send him a card and just express that I am sorry that I couldn’t, come and that all can him is sincere best wishes and lots of mazel tov. I hope he shep naches from his unity. What, what did you tell Goldie, though—you know, why I couldn’t come? I—you know I still don’t know how much the family knows about what I’m doing. I wish you could, in, in your next letter, explain what you’ve been telling people—what you’ve been telling the rest of the family, and who you’ve been telling what, so that when I write them I’ll know how much to tell them. You know that’s pretty important, and I’ll wait—well I’ll send the Christmas—I’ll send the wedding card out right away—but I’ll wait before I write letters until I find out what you’ve been telling them. And I wish you would—even, you know, call up Goldie and call up Bobby, and tell them that I, you know that I sent a tape and that I wanted you to call them and tell them how sorry I was that I couldn’t come, and that I, that I couldn’t give anything, and that I was thinking about them, and that I did feel very bad that I couldn’t come. And, again, if you could give my love to both grandmothers, I’d, I’d really appreciate that too because I, I really feel it, and I’m just sorry that I haven’t contacted them myself. Tomorrow I’ll probably feel bad also. Tomorrow is Christmas day, but we have all sorts of invitations from different people. You know Christmas—if you think Christmas is big where you are, down here in the Bible belt, Christmas is like Passover and Hanukkah and Sukkos and all the holidays—New Years—all rolled into one. It’s the only holiday, really, that they have down here, and tonight we’re going to have a big Christmas party given by some local people who wish us well, and tomorrow—that’s tonight—and tomorrow we have three invitations for three different Christmas dinners, so we’re going to be stuffed—be running around from one dinner to the next. You know, we have to go to them all, and it’s going to be all sorts of excitement, and I’m looking forward to it in a way, but I still feel I’d like to be home, but I really can’t be. If I—you know when you are in a situation like this, you lose so much, and it’s very important for—to the work that I had to stay down here, especially since we’re just starting in a new county, and every day counts. We’ve been working steady every day. This is why this tape is so late. I really haven’t had time.
[audio changes] …day, we’re going to Dortester—Dorchester, Georgia for a big snaff re—a big staff retreat. SNCC workers from all over the South are going to meet there for five days, and it’s going to be an intensive course, actually, an intensive study course in method and in substantive problems. It’s going to be sponsored by the Southern Christian Leadership Council, which is Martin Luther King’s group. It’s going to be a lot of work, and it’s going to be very intensive, but I, I’m looking forward to it, and I’m looking forward to meeting people that I met in Nashville before. And so, it should be a lot of fun. Oh, here’s an important bit of information that I should give you. Are trial for the arrest was postponed until next year. You see, it was supposed to have taken place two weeks ago when the federal court—when the state court first opened, but they postponed it, and it’s going to be postponed until next year. And, actually, until God-knows-how-long. You see, there’s been a lot of arrests, but there’s never been any trials because they keep postponing it. The reason they do it is because they know that they have bad cases, and they know that they’re going to lose eventually. But—well, for one thing they want to wait until the heat and interest dies down so that they can quietly settle the case, you know, and lose without being a big national disgrace.
And, also, because they have your money. They have our $300 dollars, for instance, now. And, you know, they, they keep our money and they figure they can eventually break us. But I think it’s mostly because they want to avoid, avoid scandal. So, dad doesn’t have to worry about me pressing for the money—to get our money back from Sheriff Matthews because the trial was postponed and we couldn’t get it back until the trial. But that’s good in a way too, because you don’t have to worry about it. It will all be taken care of by our lawyer. And, you know, it’s, it’s really no big deal. I, you know, I wish I knew more about the situation with, with dad and his job. Dad, I’m glad, I’m glad you’re, you’re up for the job, but it’s not clear to me—I don’t know whether you know this yet yourself—when a job will be available. And Maas says that the only reason you’re hesitating to, to take the job is because you’re worried about my financial future. Well, the only way I can answer it is that, you know I got to be honest with you that I’m in training for whatever I’m going to do down here, and that I am a good worker at whatever I do, and you can be sure that I am just as worried about it as you are. But if you’re—I think-- you know, you made some kind of excuse if you’re, if you’re worrying about my future because, hell, you know, you, you can never tell. I’m not going to tell you that I’m going to make $1 million or anything, but that’s not the point. The point is, if you want the job, you should take it, and let, you know, let me work, work my own future out. And I’ll work my own future out on the basis of your plans. You shouldn’t work your plans out on the basis of my future. That’s ridiculous, and if I know that I have to make money, I’ll make money. You know? That’s all I can say, and there are advantages and disadvantages to taking the job, and you know that yourself—the advantages are for reasons of health and for reasons of relaxation and for reasons of interest. I think you’d be very interested in the job, but you have to decide whether all of that adds up to the loss and pay. I kind of think it does. I would be very happy if you could get a teacher’s job. I think it would be great.
I think we can all enjoy taking summers off together. It would be good, you know? We could take a few weeks off each summer. You know, I’m getting a tremendous amount of use out of this tape recorder. I’m really glad I have it. For one thing, I’m studying Spanish. Remember that I recorded all the Spanish records on my tape. So, I’m using a tape recorder for that. Another is I’m using it to send letters. And another is that I’m taping a lot of the things that go on down here, a lot of the meetings we have. I taped that meeting which you saw a picture of, which you saw the movies of, for instance. So, I’ll have a record of all of this for use for my report for Antioch or for whatever other user want to put it to. Also, I use it to collect affidavits. For instance, when somebody, as when it was the case last week try to register to vote in the county, register in the county and working in, and was turned down through some flimflam—the registrar said that he was too busy—well, I, I got the whole story from this person on, on tape, and I intended to turn it over to one of the local lawyers because he has no right to be too busy, you know to do his job. Also, there’s several landgrab deals going on down here, where Negroes have been swindled out of their land. Well it’s very handy to about this little tape recorder and get the whole story for use for the lawyer. And also for use for the federal authorities which step in and these kind of cases. So, I’m very glad I have the tape recorder. Well, you know what I would like you to send down? You know that small can of snuff you got from England? If you don’t have any other use for it, I wonder if y’all would send it down here because the woman whose house we stay in uses the stuff a lot and she might be glad to get a, you know, a belated Christmas present of fine English snuff. So, send it down, you know, if you can. If you want to use it for something else, it’s okay too. It’s not that important, you know, if you decided to take snuff yourself or something. It’s fine.
Well, you know, the something else I’d like to make clear is that, we really don’t need, I mean I personally, really don’t need more money. I, I still have a lot of the money that I originally brought down because our living expenses are so low—we get everything supplied to us. Even our travel expenses are low. So, I, I really don’t need money, and to have money lying around is a, is a hindrance in such a poor, poor area as is. We’ve already had some instances of, you know, petty thievery. So, I—you know, sit on your hands or something, instead of sending the money. I just got Ma’s letter last Saturday, you know, two days ago. Well first of all, thank you very much for the driver’s license. I now have two licenses: one for Georgia and one for Pennsylvania, so I’m pretty much set in either the north of the South. I was very happy about the letter telling about the session with the psychiatrist. For one thing, Ma, I was very flattered and very happy and very pleased that you felt like sharing your experience with me right away—that when you got home you did, you did write it out and you said that you felt like telling me about it, and I, you know, I appreciate that. There’s, there’s a few things: you shouldn’t feel like everything is your fault. You know, there is one thing of learning, of gaining knowledge, of learning things, but then the trick is how to use it. And the way to use knowledge as a secretary (that the secretary)—that the psychiatrist is giving you is not to increase your complexes by saying ‘everything is my fault. But you should use it to see objective reality.
And that is, that nobody’s perfect, and everybody makes mistakes. The thing is what’s underneath it, what’s underneath all the superficial mistakes. And I think you’ve been great parents. And we’ve had a lot less problems than most other people. You’ve got to keep remembering that—that we all feel very close to each other and that we communicate with each other and we can speak honestly with each other. And that’s a terrific thing, and we share a lot of, a lot of common beliefs and all. Frankly, I was very surprised that the psychiatrist said that one of the reasons I am down here is to rebel against you, because I thought that one of the reasons I was down here was to fulfill our relationship, and that is, that our relationship now since I’m growing up has to be based on something different than what it was before. And one of, you know, one of the ways of, of growing up, and one of the ways of putting substance into this new relationship is, I felt, for me to do something that you would respect. And I felt also that I was fulfilling something that you were, that, that, that you were trying to do when you are young. When you are in the struggle. And I, I wish, you know, I wish you would see it in that way, and, and be proud of me that I’m trying to fulfill our relationship and I’m trying to fulfill ideas that I’m sure that you share. And, you know, Ma once told me that she’s very sorry that she couldn’t make the world good for me because her experience with the party didn’t, you know, prove out to conquer the world. The only thing she’s make—I think she may be wrong—goo—is you know, made the world better for a lot of people, because both, both of you, dad especially, in ideas of—and in terms of emotions—you both taught me a lot. And, here I am, you know, I’m trying, trying to put in my two cents. And you didn’t raise me all wrong, for God sake, you raise a great. So, don’t use any knowledge gained by the psychiatrist to your own detriment, and I’m sure the psychiatrist will tell you that to. Well, the tape is running out now so I’d like to wish everybody a very happy Hanukkah and a very Merry Christmas, and love to both my grandmothers, to all the relatives… [end of audio]